The Nothingness
Now this is going to sound a bit up in the clouds but hear me out, after all, pursuing 'your dreams' isn't easy - otherwise, everyone would be doing it right? The entire reason not a lot of people follow this path is for exactly that - it's incredibly intimidating and goes completely against the norm. Like there is some sort of disease that is going to cull the dream seekers, that there is some demon out there hunting us. Well, the truth is it kind of feels like that.
I know, I know. Everyone is like "Stef!" "What?" "As a dream-seeker, you need to be telling us that there is some light at the end of the tunnel, that there is a life full of rainbows, sleepovers, no pants Thursdays and chocolate whenever we want!" Well, guys... it's there somewhere but before that, before the fun sleepovers and endless chocolate, there is something that you need to know. You've more than likely come across this creature before.
It is the creature all the lifestyle gurus don't talk about, the creature that YouTubers leave out, bloggers don't post about and the Instagrammers cover up with "I woke up like this".
I watched a video by Matt D'Avella. He is one of the few "internet famous" people who did a post about his real feelings. I would encourage all creatives to go and check it out because I am sure that there is something you can relate to. (The link to the video can be found here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU20Y4vJp3A.) He shares his fight with anxiety and how it cripples him at times...now I may not have anxiety to a large degree and I am well aware there are people out there with clinical anxiety, but it does hit me from time to time.
This happens, without fail every time I try and start a new chapter in my life. The first 3 weeks are great, there is some fire and energy behind it all but then there happens a day. A day which seems to derail the entire process. This day has a knock on effect and seems to throw everything out of wack!
And then you find yourself, trapped, trapped between harsh truths and unwashed underwear, between "staying in bed day" and "today's the day I change my life" So this is why I am writing this post.
I have dreams, big dreams, dreams of exploring the world and making it a better place. These dreams occupy my every thought, but then 3 weeks in... BOOM anxiety, BOOM late nights and BOOM the dreams slip away into the night...
How does one deal with this? How does one get out of this loop? I've looked at all the usual places for answers. YouTube, self-help books, Netflix. And they all say, mostly the same thing:
- adjust morning routines
- adjust night routines
- 30min of exercise a day
- get this productivity app
- buy this online assistant
- no coffee
- no sugar
- no dairy
- no meat
- eat healthy
- drink water
- get eight hours of sleep!
What is happening?! This advice is great but and this is a big one, it does not always work. Sometimes none of these things work. And then what? I tell you what happens, you end up being that guy who has watched every single series on Netflix, that guy who has a bookshelf full of self-help books, the guy who eats pizza for breakfast. (There is nothing wrong with eating pizza for breakfast, but 2 weeks of pizza-filled mornings is maybe a lot.)
"So what now Stef?" I hear you asking. Sht... I don't know, I don't know what to do now. It's frustrating. I can feel all these dreams inside of me wanting to burst out and fill the world with amazing things but BOOM anxiety is here too.
Even when writing this post, I was hit with it. I started this blog to become a better writer and as a catharsis for my emotions. About 2 weeks ago I lost my flow and then one thing led to another and suddenly Nothing.
The same thing happened with my YouTube channel, I started strong but a couple of weeks in... Nothing. (Just as a side note, I know that starting these internet things is difficult and that one does not simply have internet success overnight.)
I stopped because of something else. Something I just can't quite put my fingers on. Something which has taken hold of me and paralysed me. Something lurking deep in me, which rears its ugly pizza-hungry head every time I try and go after my dreams.
And I don't know what to do, I don't know how to stop this creature, but what I do know is that writing is cathartic, for me anyway. Writing helps me understand and process things. It provides me with perspective. So instead of listing all things that one could do to help with this creature of anxiety, I am going to take you through my understanding of this creature I have called The Nothingness. (I know, how very Stranger Things of me.)
The Nothingness
When I began my YouTube channel, I felt this great sense of something amazing. I felt like I was doing ALL THE THINGS and things were happening. I got an incredible response from friends who watched the first couple of videos, saying how much they liked it. It fuelled me to create more and more, but one day something strange happened or at least strange because I had gotten used to a certain way of living at this point. When I posted my next video nothing happened. No one responded, no one took interest and no one even looked at it!? I had worked so hard on this video, scripted it, planned out, the shots, and the lighting, made sure to get it out on time and then nothing.
It felt like someone had taken a shovel and dug out my stomach and replaced it with Nothingness, not nothing like an empty feeling, but Nothingness like there was weight to it like The Nothingness was a tangible mass of goop.
One week later I posted another and another and nothing and what ended up happening is I stopped.
I don't remember deciding to stop, it just happened and several months later, here I am. Here I am sitting on my couch at 10 am with a YouTube filmmaking dream. The same can be said for this blog. Weeks in and suddenly nothing. No real reason that it stopped, it just did. I can manifest multiple reasons as to why they could have ended; I got sick, I was busy with acting work, I needed to attend to a family matter, but ultimately it did not need to end.
I am not someone who cares much for metrics, I post because I want to, not because of likes, subscriber counts or money. I want to create but I started to question this. Do I truly want to create if I just suddenly stopped? Is this truly what I want to be doing? I know that life is tough yo! and sometimes things happen, but surely if you want to succeed at something you put in the work. I am not a stranger to putting in the work, but it seems that the anxiety monster took a big ol' bite out of me and filled it with Nothingness.
Maybe I'm being ridiculous or maybe my millennialness is showing but I can't help shake the weight of Nothingness. I can't help but lie in bed and dream of all the wonderful things I want to do. But The Nothingness is here. And truth be told. I think it will always be here. I don't think I am ever going to escape this creature. It will be with me forever. We are inseparable.
Knowing this brings me some peace, I do not need to be fighting this monster rather I should look at what signs there are when it's about to appear. Like hearing the ground tremble before the T-Rex shows up or seeing the water ripple before Godzilla screams into sight. Knowing that now and again this creature is going to come around take a bite out of me and then maybe hang around for a little bit is not so bad. I mean, it's a f'ed up situation but maybe this is what needs to happen?
I can't beat this creature, believe me, I have tried. But what I can do is offer part of me when it shows up and then ask if it's doing okay every so often. Like when mosquito season comes around and there is one sucker flying around your head, you try and swat it away, but it's much faster and you forgot to pick up your mosquito net AND you ran out of those things you plug into the wall socket. Your options are limited your best course of action is to let the mosquito take a bite out of you. You will suffer a moment of discomfort but soon the mosquito will be full and be on its way and you can get back to dreamland.
Now I know this analogy has some holes, but it works for me. Sometimes we try and swat away the anxiety, we try and trap it somewhere or we try to outrun it on the treadmill of life but it keeps coming back hungrier and angrier than before.
Maybe the best course of action is to let it bite. Let it take a big ol' bite out of you and then have it sit next to you while you try and finish your blog post. It's satisfied and you are still moving forward. Maybe this is the answer? I am no professional but I do feel better.
Hopefully, this has helped you in some way. I am not saying that this manner of thinking is going to work for everyone and please if you have been diagnosed with anxiety then consult your medical professional. I can only provide what is helping me at this moment and maybe create some discussion around it. As I said, writing is my catharsis. It helps me heal and understand, I just have to share the space with a big ol' mosquito now and again.